Disappointment happens to us all at different times. It could be that dream promotion that didn’t quite come to fruition, a promising new relationship that fizzled fast or a long-awaited holiday that ended up being a damp squib. The outcome causes us to feel upset, deflated and a bit rudderless. But understanding disappointment can help us to let go and learn from it.
“Disappointment is an emotional response to unmet expectations or unfulfilled desires,” says Lianne Terry, a counsellor and Counselling Directory member. “It is characterised by feelings of sadness, anger, frustration or even a sense of loss, resentment or betrayal. The higher the expectation, the more intense the disappointment if it’s not met. It can feel intense, but it is usually a temporary emotion and it is possible for people to move past it.”
Here, a range of experts share tips on how to deal with the pain of disappointment – and go on to thrive…
Acceptance in four steps
“Disappointment is a normal response to things in life not going our way. We need to give ourselves space to feel the emotions as a vital part of healing,” says Clare Nicholas, a counsellor. “This four-step approach is based on the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and can be applied to any disappointing situations, from being let down in relationships to exam failure.”
Step 1: Identify the feelings you are experiencing
“If you’ve lost out on a promotion, you might feel annoyed, stuck, frustrated,” says Nicholas. “If someone you’re dating ghosts you, you might notice feelings of sadness or rejection. Don’t judge these emotional responses – honour them; they are there to help us learn.”
Step 2: Notice your thoughts (as well as your feelings)
“If a friend lets you down, you might think: ‘I don’t deserve this!’ If you miss out on a flat rental, you might think: ‘But that was the perfect place for me…’ Don’t judge your mind, just let it think what it needs to think at this time. It’s all part of processing it.”
Step 3: Think about your values
“Consider why this matters so much to you. If you’re disappointed about failing your driving test, it might be because you value freedom; if you’re disappointed about a partner letting you down, it might be because you value connection and loyalty. Disappointment stems from the loss of something that matters to us. Identifying why it matters is important in moving on.”
Step 4: Take care of yourself
“Do this in small, meaningful ways in the immediate short term. Cook your favourite dinner, do 10 minutes of yoga stretches or message a friend. Then plan a time-defined step directly linked to the disappointment you’ve experienced. ‘Tomorrow I’ll book an event to go to with a different friend’ or ‘I’ll plan to search for new property listings on Monday’ – such small and easy-to-action plans will help you heal with purpose.”
Examine both sides of a situation
“When faced with disappointment we can transition through the feelings much faster if we are able to examine the situation from the other side,” says Danny Greeves, an expert in trauma and author of Accelerated Trauma Resolution. “There are two specific questions you can ask yourself. Although not always easy to answer, they can significantly increase the speed with which you process disappointment and move on with an optimistic outlook.”
1. What would be the negatives, drawbacks, challenges and pain points to me if things had aligned with what I originally wanted?
“We ask this question because in our minds we tend to generate a fantasy version where everything is positive and good,” says Greeves. “But reality always comes with challenges. When we can identify all the difficulties and pain points that would have arisen, sometimes the disappointment can transform into relief.”
2. What are the benefits to me of the path that I am now on?
“Once we take time to examine the benefits and advantages of the ways things are for us now, we can find appreciation for what we do have in our lives, rather than what we missed out on. Focusing on this can help shift your focus from disappointment to gratitude,” Greeves explains.
Record your feelings
“Give yourself permission to feel the emotions raised by disappointment without judgement,” says Tina Chummun, a psychotherapist and trauma specialist and Counselling Directory member. “Sit with yourself or watch a feel-good movie knowing you are upset and tell yourself it’s OK to feel this way. You can also record a voice note on your phone to express how you feel to yourself or write in a journal to process these emotions.”
Readjust your expectations
“Although none of us like to admit it, our expectations can be a little higher than other people could meet,” says Dr Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace. “Use mindfulness to become more aware of your expectations and then learn to hold them lightly so that when you next enter a similar situation, you go in with a beginner’s mind open to whatever may happen. You can control this misalignment in expectations.”
Set an alarm on ruminations
“While it is important to allow our feelings in and process them, it is also important to set limits on how long we linger in this reflective state,” says Dr Erica Bowen, a coaching psychologist for high-performing women who lack confidence. “Allocate time in your calendar to an appointment with yourself and set an alarm to ensure that you stick to the time allocated. At the end of this appointment, change your neurochemistry by listening to empowering music and move away from the place you examined these feelings. This will move you out of this emotional state.”
Use it as motivation
“Missing out on a promotion can be disheartening, but it’s important to understand that these decisions can be influenced by many factors, not just your performance,” says Dr Claire Vowell, a counselling psychologist and founder of The Corporate Psychologist. “Ask for feedback from your manager to provide the opportunity for reflection. Disappointment can be a powerful motivator for personal and professional growth. Use this experience to reassess your goals and career path.”
Control how you respond
“As human beings we have an innate desire to ‘control’ things, so when things don’t go our way, we feel powerless and ultimately disappointed,” says Jessen James, a psychiatric nurse and human behaviour expert. “If you feel disappointed because your partner wronged you, it’s not just what they did that’s making you feel this way, but that you had zero control over it. What you can control is how you respond to a situation.”
Take it personally
“Dealing with disappointment is a deeply personal process and what works for one person may not work for another,” says Dr Rebekah Wanic, a mindset psychologist and self-optimisation coach. “Start with being kind to yourself. Disappointment can often be accompanied by self-criticism and harsh internal dialogue. Treat yourself with the same kindness, concern and support you would a good friend.”
Set realistic future goals
“Use the knowledge gained from your disappointments to create achievable objectives, but ensure they are specific and measurable,” says Dr Tom MacLaren, a consultant psychiatrist at Re:Cognition Health. “Break down your long-term goals into short-term targets and reward yourself for each milestone achieved. This can prevent future setbacks and builds confidence. Disappointments often highlight your resilience and adaptability.”
Reframe the experience
“Looking for the silver lining in a disappointing situation can be really helpful,” says Chummun. “Try to identify any positive aspects that come from the experience, no matter how small. This can help to shift your focus from what went wrong to what went right and help to alleviate some discomfort caused by the disappointment.”
Come up with a Plan B
“Flexibility is key to overcoming disappointment,” says Dr Wanic. “When one door closes, another opens; but often, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one being opened. Having a back-up plan or alternative routes to achieve your goals can reduce the initial sting.”