When Emma’s mother came to visit for Christmas in 2016 she’d been sober for four years, after heavily drinking for more than two decades. Emma, though, had just started overindulging in wine herself and it had a knock-on effect. A few days later, the pair were having secret glasses in the kitchen together.
Emma, 48, had turned to booze – specifically white wine – after taking voluntary redundancy from her job as a HR practitioner left her with financial issues and anxiety. She moved to the country with her partner at the time and invested her redundancy pay-off into a photography business he was setting up. She rented a converted barn, with a log fire and huge garden, and thought it was her “happy ending”. “I ran away to rent a fairytale home in the country but I invested all my money into setting up my partner’s business and it didn’t work out. My depression and anxiety escalated, I was isolated and my drinking took off.”
Although she drank heavily at university, Emma had stopped when she left, and throughout her twenties drinking was never a factor or thought in her life. It was only when she found herself over two hours from her friends and family, that she turned to alcohol and spent her evenings with bottles of wine.
Her mother Sarah*, 78, also used booze as an escape when caring for her elderly family members left her grieving. Her own mother had passed away from cancer in 2006, her husband – Emma’s father – had died from a heart attack when he was just 37 and her partner afterwards died two years ago from Parkinson’s disease. “She’d experienced a lot of death and it took its toll,” says Emma, who never recalls her mother drinking much while she was growing up.
In 2019, after her relationship broke down and she was at breaking point, Emma moved back in with her mother and dog. The one bottle of wine Emma would grab on her way home turned into two, then three, and eventually the pair were having three bottles of white wine each per evening.
They’d start at 4pm, planting themselves in front of the television in the kitchen watching the news, quiz shows or soaps. They’d sit, glasses in hand, chatting and watching until Emma started cooking around 6pm.
Sometimes her mother was forced to take over from her because she was unstable on her feet and unaware of what she was doing, other times they’d scrap food altogether. They’d become daily drinking buddies.
Alcoholism in women has been rising, and recent data shows the number of women dying from alcohol-related diseases has increased by 37 per cent in five years. Experts told The Independent that the “incessant marketing of drinks towards women” has helped fuel it.
“The drinking bonded us,” says Emma. “It didn’t feel extreme or bad because we were both doing it.” On the weekends they’d start even earlier. When their weekly grocery shop was delivered around 2pm each Saturday, Sarah would begin on the wine while Emma delivered some shopping to an elderly neighbour. “After I got home I would play catch up as I felt I’d missed out on drinking time.”
Emma partly blames herself for her mother’s current drinking habits. “I feel tremendous guilt for it,” she says. “I was heavily drinking and I did encourage her to join me that Christmas. I was glad I had someone to drink with.” Emma says she had no idea about alcoholism back then or the effect the few sips of wine would have on her mother, which they both kept a secret from Sarah’s partner at the time.
Ironically, Emma remembers having her first sip of alcohol during Christmas herself when she was 10 years old – a Babycham. From then, she was also allowed small glasses of wine when the family had special occasion dinner, but drinking didn’t become a problem until her thirties.
In 2021, however, after two years of living with her mother and over 600 days of continuous heavy drinking, Emma reached out for help. She visited her GP who recommended a local alcohol service but she failed in her first attempt to get sober.
It was when she started attending AA meetings in April 2021 that she was able to overcome her compulsion and a month later she had her last sip of alcohol. “I realised I had to do something about my drinking because if I didn’t I was going to waste the rest of my life. I needed to change.”
Emma was working as a HR advisor but her habit crept into work. “I would sneak wine into work and drink it in the toilet. I would disguise wine in a soft drink bottle and have it on my desk,” she says. “In hindsight, I think the risky behaviour was a cry for help. I believe I wanted to be caught because I was stuck and I didn’t know how to stop and by getting caught I might have got help.”
She recalls suggesting her mother come with her to an AA meeting but Sarah wasn’t interested. “My mum is very quiet and would never dream of opening up to strangers, even though they would understand how she felt.”
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer says alcoholism can become normalised as a “socially acceptable way of coping with life’s challenges” and embarking on a sobriety journey when others around you are drinking can be a struggle. “Remember that we can’t change people,” Sturmer says. “There’s nothing wrong with sharing how you’re feeling and the benefits of being sober but it’s important to avoid the temptation to become evangelical or judgemental about quitting drinking.
“It can be difficult to change a habit if we are trying to move away from something that feels entrenched in our family or community. Alcohol in particular can play a part in our social relationships and we might feel lost without a drink in our hand. If someone close to us is a big drinker we might feel a sense of peer pressure to continue drinking.”
Emma is now nearly three years sober, and “learning to live again”. She says: “I still struggle mentally with anxiety and depression but I am slowly improving. My confidence and self-esteem are improving and I have more self-awareness and gratitude for life.”
She still lives with her mum who spends each evening drinking two or three bottles of white wine to herself. Their relationship can be strained now. “We still watch television together but by early evening mum is tipsy and starts repeating herself. I get angry and frustrated. I wish I could have my old mum back. Once or twice I have felt resentful that I can’t drink when life feels too much. Sometimes I wish I could have a drink to take it all away but I am so relieved I haven’t given in.”
Although Sarah is “incredibly proud” of her daughter for getting sober, Emma can find it “frustrating and sad” to see her mother still using alcohol as an escape. “I understand why she does it. It’s an escape from physical and psychological pain, I used to do it,” she says. “I rarely criticise or complain about it to her but I do feel sad. I share my distress about it with my friends that are in recovery.”
*name has been changed