By the time of her father’s death, Alexandra Walker was no longer on speaking terms with him. Their relationship had disintegrated so much so that she only found out he had died after a neighbour, in his village of Ashkirk in the Scottish Borders, called to express concern that he had not been seen for several weeks.
The previous year, Dr Walker had taken the decision to cut ties with him – she had endured years of what she describes as emotional abuse. In public, her father, James Cran, had a longstanding and successful political career as an MP. But in private he had made her life difficult, from a young age.
In a bid to break free from this Dr Walker has written a book, Reclaiming Christmas, in which she details the process of healing, and taking control of her life, through the lens of the festive season – a particularly difficult time in her family.
The late James Cran worked as a Conservative Party researcher in his twenties and was a councillor before entering Parliament, in 1987, as the member for Beverley in Yorkshire. He maintained the seat for almost 20 years and was a prominent backbencher – and held a junior government post in the Northern Ireland office – before his resignation in 2005 . He was married, to Penelope, and they had one daughter: Alexandra.
It is only since the estrangement that she has been able to fully come to terms with the reality of her relationship with him and the lasting impact it had on her, she says. She is speaking out because she wants to shed some light on the impact emotional abuse has on children, and how hard it can be to pinpoint.
The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) defines emotional abuse as involving “the continual emotional mistreatment of a child” including “deliberately trying to scare, humiliate, isolate or ignore” them as well as bullying and manipulation.
A spokesperson for the NSPCC said its helpline received more than 7,000 contacts from adults who were concerned for the wellbeing of a child due to emotional abuse last year. “More than a quarter of these contacts were so serious that our practitioners referred the cases on to other authorities, such as children services and police, for further consideration,” the charity said.
Looking back over her relationship with her father, in an interview with i, Dr Walker said her first memory of him was being wary in his presence.
“I think emotional abuse is behaviour which is calculated to cause emotional harm, that is one way I would describe it,” she said.
“One of the toughest things about it was that he could be really kind at times – a lovely, loving parent. But other times he was the exact opposite. In some ways, it was the total uncertainty about how he was going to show up that was particularly challenging.”
He was a “Jekyll and Hyde” character whose unpredictability made her “very wary and nervous”, she said. The anxiety was such that she strove to be perfect to reduce the chances of an outburst from her father – and learned to dread the presence of alcohol in the house as it exacerbated his behaviour.
It is clearly emotionally draining for her to relive some of her early childhood memories. Dr Walker recounts being about seven years old when her school told her parents they were concerned that she was nervous and tearful in class often.
Her father’s response? To attempt to “toughen me up,” she said, with intense debates at the dinner table that she was set up to lose – given he was an adult and professional politician.
He would play games with his daughter but fly into a rage if it did not go his way. He threw a board game into a loch whilst on holiday in Scotland and locked her in a car for “what felt like ages” when she accidentally hit him with a “skimming” stone another time.
“It was terrifying,” she said. “So this is where the need to be perfect and not make any mistakes comes from because if I made a mistake it all went very wrong.”
She said that when her father turned, it was like “a thundercloud would come down” on the whole family either with “a barrage of angry words” or a “sullen” and dark mood that left her and her mother on edge.
“It did also go a little bit beyond the emotional at times. There was this story he would proudly tell about when I was a toddler at a restaurant where the service was really slow and I got antsy and hungry and threw the salt shaker and some cutlery. He basically tied my arms down so that I could hardly move for the rest of the meal.
“There’s another strong memory I have as a young child where I’d be snuggled up in his arms and all of a sudden he would tighten his grip so that I couldn’t move. It was terrifying and I showed him I was scared and he did not stop straight away. It would carry on for a while and then he would let me go.”
After moving away from home, Dr Walker achieved a doctorate in applied mathematics at St Andrews University. She went on to have a 15-year career in the Civil Service and charitable sector, including senior roles in the Department for Education and the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.
But her father’s abusive behaviour did not stop when she grew into an adult and married, Dr Walker said. She came to dread going home because she could not bear the taunting and belittling she would suffer in the presence of her father.
When her mother died in July 2014 – someone Dr Walker describes as a “gentle soul” who was worn down by his behaviour – her father used the death to “emotionally blackmail” her and undermine her grief.
After her mother’s death, Dr Walker and her husband initially supported her widower father because he had no one else in his life. But when his drinking “escalated” further and Dr Walker tried to intervene, her father reacted angrily towards her.
From that point, Dr Walker said, she felt she had no choice but to cut ties with her father – and they did not speak again before he was found dead at his home on 1 June last year, aged 79.
Despite the tragic circumstances surrounding her father’s later years and death, Dr Walker says she felt a strange sense of relief. “There was no good ending that I could see and no hope of reconciliation.”
Throughout her adult life, she has been tackling the lasting impact of her father’s behaviour.
“As a young adult I developed what I can only describe as a suite of mental health problems. I used to just think I’m odd, I’m unwell, this is my problem. I don’t understand why but I’ve got all these problems. Now I can trace them back to the overall situation and actually also to some specific episodes that happened.”
According to the NSPCC, the long-term impact of emotional abuse can be as severe as physical abuse.
“Emotional abuse of a child has the potential to be as damaging and impactful as physical abuse. The lasting harm to the victim’s emotional development and mental health can be debilitating and may present in other ways such as changes in behaviour,” the charity said.
“It is vital people understand the pain and suffering that emotional abuse can cause to a child, and are prepared to report it if they suspect it is happening. The NSPCC Helpline is always available to provide help and advice to adults who have concerns for the wellbeing of a child, be it about emotional abuse or any other form of abuse and neglect.”
Dr Walker now spends her time as a trustee of the Carnegie Trust for the Universities of Scotland as well as writing and offering coaching and counselling through her recently-launched company Damsel Not in Distress.
She describes the business as having the aim of “supporting people to thrive after they face life challenges” – work that has clearly been shaped by the adversity she has overcome.
After having published her first book last year, Dr Walker plans to write a second, exploring emotional abuse more broadly. She told i she wants to do more to raise awareness about emotional abuse of children “because I’m in a position where I can talk freely about my situation which often a lot of people in abusive situations cannot”.
“I actually feel a responsibility to talk about this since I can because since my father is no longer around. I have an ability to talk about some specific examples that make it clear to people why this is so damaging.
“In telling my story, I hope to be able to help others in a similar situation, particularly, to help them to appreciate that what they’re going through is real and that it is severe.”
She added: “I would often minimise it to myself and question whether there was really a problem, so I want to help people to understand that what they are going through is a problem and it’s okay to call it out.”
For information visit Dr Walker’s website damselnotindistress.co.uk
How to get help
Children in need of support can call Childline on 0800 1111
Adults concerned about a child can call the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000. You can also email help@NSPCC.org.uk or fill in the online form here.
If you think a child is in immediate danger, don’t delay – call the police on 999.