I recently broke up with my boyfriend after what I now see was quite an unhealthy relationship.
He was a strong character, which is what I liked at the beginning, but I felt overwhelmed and manipulated by the end. I tried to end it a few times and he would talk me around, but at Christmas I finally cut off contact. My worry now is that he is badmouthing me to my friends.
I went to a mutual friend’s 40th on Saturday (I’d been told my ex was out of the country so he wouldn’t be there) and I had the feeling that people were being weird with me.
I’m not someone who is prone to paranoia but I’m sure he has been saying bad things about me. When I got together with him he was quite vicious about his ex but I took it at face value. Now I wonder if it is a pattern.
I don’t want people to think badly of me as I really don’t think I behaved badly in the relationship at all. I feel hurt and betrayed. I think I am only just beginning to face up to how bad the relationship was. Should I ask people if he is saying things about me?
Couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie says:
First of all, well done you for getting out of this relationship. It takes courage and great strength to leave, especially given that he didn’t want you to. From what you’ve shared, your former partner sounds pushy and manipulative and like he can be imaginative with the truth.
I wonder if one of the things you are dealing with right now is the pain of seeing something for what it was, not what we hoped it would be. Many of us are looking for a deep relationship and it’s so understandable that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to stay. You say he is strong so maybe you were looking to find that in someone but actually you have it in yourself.
Now is the time to lick your wounds, journal, chat to friends and get some help to reclaim yourself and get over any doubts you may have about the choices you made.
Many of us want to give love a shot and it’s those of us who take risks that also get the value of learning who not to trust. You are unlikely to make this kind of mistake again. The beauty of this kind of mistake is that you know some of the red flags that you would spot next time – like gossiping about the ex.
It may be that in your past there were situations that mirror some of the elements of this situation and you unconsciously picked him as a partner in order to face some of these issues and behave differently to how you did in the past. For example, as a child you might have felt dominated by someone you grew up with but didn’t know how to stand up for yourself. You might be attracted to this dominance because it’s familiar, but as an adult you also see that it’s not healthy for you and have been able to stand up to it and walk away. This is a win. This is growth.
In terms of what he might be saying to your mutual friends: Unfortunately, this type of thing is common. Many people go with the person who gossips and that is devastating.
It can be tricky to bring this up in a group situation as people can take sides or diminish your point of view – with comments such as “oh he didn’t mean anything”. If possible I would meet one of them on your own to verify if this is going on and I would leave it at that. It does not deserve more of your attention and I would not advise building this into a bigger issue than it needs to be. If, however, this gets nasty and bullying you need to get help.
If he is destroying your reputation or affecting your life seriously this might be considered bullying and you should get advice from the National Bullying Helpline. If he is stalking or intimidating you in any way, call the police.
It might not be anywhere near this stage, in which case I would let it die down and be forgotten about.
A good way to vent feelings is to write letters you don’t send to the people who feel are acting strange and also to him. Maybe see a counsellor to help with the betrayal and also to help unpick why you didn’t allow yourself to see who he was – that way you can learn from this.
The loss of the friendship group is really tough. If anyone is really precious it’s worth meeting them one on one to see if you can salvage those connections but always maintain your safety – and that might mean staying away for a bit.
It can be a shock to see just how toxic someone can be, and to realise that you fell in love with that person. Don’t shame yourself about this. Keep your dignity and applaud yourself for getting away. You will get through this.
As told to Marianne Power