Are you ready for this? I mean really ready. Do you remember quite how bad the Euro 2020 final was? Anyone unfortunate enough to experience it in a public place got covered in lukewarm lager after two minutes, then marinated in it for the next two hours. Millions of heart-broken, beer-battered fans watching Leonardo Bonucci scream “It’s coming to Rome”. This time must be different.
So let’s devise a plan to make it through Berlin 2024 unscathed. You can hope this font of knowledge will be redundant, but we all know the game is going to penalties. It’s Gareth Southgate’s England. Of course it’s going to penalties.
Without further ado, here’s your one-stop survival guide to the Three Lions’ inevitable penalty shoot-out against Spain.
How to make it through England vs Spain penalties
1.Don’t inextricably link the fortunes of a football team to your self-worth and prospects of happiness
Okay, I know, I know, it’s a bit late for this one. But it must be worth a try. This feels like the most effective method of self-preservation possible. Just… stop caring? It’s only a game. Remember that.
2. Emigrate before they start
I’ve heard Bolivia is lovely this time of year. There must be some Amazonian tribes you can join who don’t even have Wi-Fi. You’ll never know the result!
3. Hide behind the sofa and simply never come out
We’re all familiar with hiding behind the sofa, but it only doesn’t work when you come back out again. What if you simply never emerge? Build a life behind the sofa. Come on, at least consider it.
4. Hedge your bets
Now, I’m not advocating for gambling, but one way to feel better about a potential Spain win could be to lump your life savings on La Roja. That way, if England win, you’re spiritually rich. If Spain win, you’re actually rich.
5. Celebrate every penalty like you’re Jude Bellingham
Research suggests teams which celebrate more after every penalty are more likely to win. So take a leaf out of Jude Bellingham’s book, run around the pub cupping your genitals, scream “Who else?” at the cat. You write your own stories. Do your bit for England.
6. Shout aggressively at the TV
The players can hear you, you know? The louder you shout at the screen, the more they can hear. It especially helps if you yell things the players are clearly trying to do anyway. “Score!” and “Get on with it!” are particularly strong options here.
7. Lean really far forward in your seat
Never hasn’t worked. Get right on the edge, so if you’ve had enough to drink you might just misjudge it and fall of.
8. Make your own Jordan Pickford water bottle
Control the controllables. Study Robin Le Normand’s youth-level penalty habits. Delve into the vast history of Martin Zubimendi’s stuttered run-up. Know what Spain are going to do before they do it. You might even learn something.
9. Pace around the room, air-kicking every penalty
You’ll be well-versed in this one if you’ve ever been a parent on the sidelines. Get your steps up, get some much-needed penalty practice in and definitely don’t look like you need sectioning. It’s coming home!
10. Adopt the arse-flare position
Not one for the kids, but has anyone ever been unhappy with a flare up their arse? I haven’t seen it. Remember how joyful that guy looked in 2021. Light it just as the first taker steps up. Just imagine the feeling of pure reckless abandon, sparks singing your behind, knowing that any moment soon you’re going to be farting glorious light. It’s squeaky bum time.
11. Remember to turn on Do Not Disturb
You want to know what’s worse than losing on penalties? Finding out you’ve lost on penalties before it’s taken on screen because some wazzock got the notification.
12. Trust in Gareth
No, I haven’t heard of a “jinx” before. Southgate has been preparing for this moment for the last 28 years. England’s squad has more club penalty-takers in it than any other at this Euros and has already produced the perfect round of spot-kicks. Why were you worried? This is England.