I was not a candidate in the general election, but if I had been, one of my top policies would be harsh jail terms for anyone who brings their romantic partner along when they have arranged to meet up with their friends. I mean it. I quite firmly believe that anyone who turns up to lunch with the girls with their husband in tow should be arrested, immediately.
I had a repeat offender of this crime in my friendship group a few years ago – let’s call her Steph. I found it so infuriating that eventually I stopped trying to socialise with her at all. We worked together for years, and I thoroughly enjoyed her company, and yet whenever we arranged to meet up outside of work, boom! There he was.
The first time it happened, I assumed that her husband, let’s call him Dave, was just dropping her off and had maybe come in to say hi. It was only when he sat down and picked up a menu that the penny dropped. He was staying.
Now don’t get me wrong, Dave was perfectly functional. I just didn’t know why the hell he was there! I didn’t want to have dinner with Dave. I wanted to have dinner with Steph. And what I really wanted to do was talk to Steph about Dave, because she had already told me that they were having issues with his family, and I wanted an update. But instead of a good, gossipy catch up between mates, I was left with rather tedious small talk that never strayed into anything very interesting at all. I wasn’t going to inquire about Dave’s family over the starters and was certainly not going to open up about my latest attempt with the 5:2 diet with him sat there. Truth to told, I was quite angry with Steph for thinking this was OK.
On a couple of occasions, I did try to gently enquire as to why she kept bringing Dave, but that’s not an easy conversation to have. If anyone knows of a polite, inoffensive way to say, “stop bringing your husband, you weirdo”, do let me know. The best explanation I ever got from Steph was that Dave didn’t have many friends and that they like to socialise together. I felt a bit bad about that. Maybe I was the one in the wrong? Maybe I was just being horribly unsociable? Could it even be that I was being too possessive of Steph, wanting her all to myself for an hour or two at Nando’s?
The Steph/Dave debacle was a few years ago now, but I have never really gotten over how bizarre the whole thing was. At work, Steph and I would talk a mile a minute, grossly oversharing, and thoroughly enjoying ourselves, but any social time we shared outside of that became a very strange exchange of banal platitudes about the weather or the economy, because of Dave! Dave, who just sat there like a fun-sucking vampire.
So, when another friend was recently complaining of a similar situation, it triggered a rant so intense that it eventually metastasized into the article you are currently reading. The situation this friend was describing was even worse than mine. Her sister had started dating a new man and was now bringing him along to their regular “bottomless brunch with the girls”. I mean, the audacity!
I had naively thought that this was a highly unusual situation, but it appears not. A quick search through social media and it turns out this is an alarmingly common occurrence, and I’m glad to say other people find it every bit as frustrating as I did. As one woman in a now viral TikTok said, “I don’t want your boyfriend to come. I don’t want him to come to lunch, I don’t want him to come to brunch . . . I am friends with you!” Amen, sister.
It’s shocking, but there really are people walking amongst us who think it is socially acceptable to bring their significant other with them when they hang out with their friends; like they are a gift that comes free with purchase. Well, your free gift sucks! I don’t want him. Leave him at home.
Allow me to now express why this is such a faux pas. Your friends should be a safe haven from your romantic relationship, even if you’re both madly in love and have no complaints at all. Gay, straight, bi, man, women, or non-binary; we all need friends that are just ours. It’s also very important to value your friendships and invest time and energy in them, not to try to wedge a Dave in there as well.
Of course, couples share friends and enjoy doing coupley things together, but it’s not healthy to only socialise with your partner. In fact, for me that is a huge red flag. While this was not the case for Steph, if your romantic partner will not let you meet your friends on your own, that smacks of insecurity and control.
Existing friendship dynamics inevitably change when someone’s partner rocks up unexpectedly. This is especially true if the introduction of that partner suddenly makes the group co-ed. Study after study has shown that behaviour changes in mixed and single-sex spaces. Generally, when compared to all male groups, all female groups exhibit less hierarchical behaviour, more equal participation, and more sharing of leadership. When groups become mixed, women contribute less to the group and men tend to take charge in their interactions with women. But, do you really need me to cite scientific research to tell you that it feels weird when a mate brings the missus along to lad’s night?
While it’s obvious that gender does play a part in this, for me, it’s more about respecting existing friendship dynamics. I think I would still be annoyed if a lesbian friend brought her wife over without at least giving me a head’s up first. I bond with my friends by sharing personal information and I can’t do that in front of an unknown quantity. In fact, I have to work extra hard watching what I say and monitoring what is being said because I have no idea what this person knows about me, or if they are aware just how much I know about them. And generally, I know a lot.
It’s not that I am being overly possessive, I like socialising with my coupled-up friends, but not if that’s all I get. This is about valuing our friendship time together. Showing up to social events with your partner, without asking first if that’s ok, is just incredibly disrespectful. So, try leaving them at home – not everyone will be as excited to spend time with your other half as you are.