My newish boyfriend lives at the other end of the country so we don’t see each other a lot in person. This has worked out OK for me because my work is intense and I like spending odd weekends together. We also have a lot of phone sex which is surprisingly hot – just the sound of his voice turns me on.
Usually we touch ourselves and talk dirty to each other but the other week I asked if I could use my vibrator and he said yes and then asked if I minded if he got out his fleshlight. I didn’t know what it was and felt grossed out when he told me. I know this is a double standard – if he is OK with me using a sex toy, why would I not be OK? I don’t get why this is disgusting to me. Is it a normal thing for men to use?
Lucy Rowett, a sex and relationship coach, says:
It’s wonderful that you both have found a way to stay intimate with each other and are enjoying phone sex so much. Phone sex and mutual masturbation are brilliant ways to keep the sexual spark alive when you’re navigating a long-distance relationship.
Now onto your feelings about the fleshlight. For readers who don’t know, a fleshlight is a masturbation sleeve for people with penises. The inside is textured to create friction and so be incredibly pleasurable. The rest of the toy is shaped like a torch on the outside – to resemble a torch or flashlight – hence the name.
In answer to your question about whether a fleshlight is normal for men to use, absolutely! The reason why men and people with penises enjoy using them are pretty much the same reason women like using sex toys — for fun and pleasure, for the novelty, for a different sensation that you can’t recreate with your hand, if you’re feeling lazy, if you want more of a feeling of having partner sex, or other reasons too.
They are more popular with men than a lot of people realise, often simply because men don’t talk about it as much. Women talking about using vibrators has become much more mainstream, which is amazing, but we haven’t quite caught up with talking about male sexual pleasure from an affirming space that is outside of the box of penetrative sex. That said, a lot of men still feel embarrassed or reluctant to explore sex toys even if they are curious, because of the stigma and the idea that your hand should be good enough.
Your boyfriend wanting to use a fleshlight while having phone sex with you could have been him wanting to enhance the experience and recreate having “real” sex with you as much as possible. Isn’t that wonderful? In my experience, men who like using sex toys on themselves and/or with their partners are much more creative lovers who are open to trying new things and being adventurous.
I’m curious about what you felt grossed out about, because it can mean a lot of different things. Was it at the thought of your boyfriend (almost) having sex with somebody else? Was it about the texture of the toy? Or something else? Get curious about what exactly grossed you out, and then get curious about what you’re making it mean– not just about your boyfriend, but also about you, and your relationship. What is the fear underneath it all? What has it triggered?
I want to normalise some of your feelings, because the dominant messaging we all receive about men and masturbation (from the media, from friends and family, religious institutions etc) is that it’s disgusting, secretive, something “dirty old men” do, and even predatory or dangerous. We’ve all heard stories– and many have had the awful experience– of a man masturbating or exposing themselves in public to women and girls.
It then makes complete sense for your feelings around him using a toy like a fleshlight to be affected by all of this.
So here are some ways to reframe how you feel about the toy. First of all, ask your boyfriend about the fleshlight and get curious. Where he got it from, what made him decide to get one, what brand he chose, why he likes it.The next time you see him in person, ask to see it and hold it.
Your boyfriend’s fleshlight isn’t your competition, it isn’t a replacement for you, and it isn’t something “dirty”.
Think of this fleshlight as a sexy accessory in your sex life with him, almost like it’s “taking care of him” while you can’t be there in person and when you are together, you “work together”. It could turn into something really hot and steamy that adds to your intimate life, not takes away.